First of all: ouch. It’s one thing to make someone angry—quite another to disappoint them. Anger is so much simpler to deal with, because it generally implies that both parties believe that the other is at fault, or at the very least, that while they may be wrong there’s a part where they’re right. Disappointment though… it almost feels as if they’ve given up, as if they no longer care.

That’s one of the worst feelings in the world.

In any case, there’s a process that most people who’ve wronged their best friends follow. It’s a ten step program that is guaranteed to make you try desperately to fix the situation.

Step 1. Accept that you’ve been a jerk.
This shouldn’t be too hard to do. Chances are you’ve been the biggest jerk in the world and it’s clear to everyone. It’d be more difficult to be actually OBLIVIOUS to the knowledge that you are, in fact, a jerk. There’s a reason people are looking at you with complete disgust: because you deserve it.

Step 2. Remember everything that you and your best friend have been through.
She was there for you. You were there for her. More importantly, SHE was there for YOU. The first person who wasn’t your flesh and blood. Remember that if in a hypothetical class you were hypothetically given the assignment to create a life map, they’d receive more than one square. Remember that you shared things with her about yourself and she didn’t hate you. Remember how she slowly gained your trust without you ever realizing it until it was too late.

Remember how you promised you’d be friends forever and how, as childish as it may seem, it made you the optimist that you used to be.

Step 2A. Feel so guilty you don’t just feel like crying—you actually CRY.
Self explanatory. It’s a good thing you know how to cry silently.

Step 3. Realize there’s a gaping hole in your heart.
You know what that is? That is your best friend slowly walking out of your life. Hurts, doesn’t it? I mean just think about it, if you follow my train of thought than you know that you can only have ONE best friend. Once that one best friend is gone, there is no more best friend. Math has never been my subject, but it’s my understanding that 1-1= 0.

0 is a sad number.

Step 4. Prepare yourself to grovel.
At this point, you have nothing left to lose so might as well give it your all. What’s more is that you should be warned that perhaps grovelling might be an act of selfishness on your part. You probably have no right to grovel, but everyone’s allowed to be selfish once in a while.

This IS a noble cause after all. It’s your best friend, not some stupid soulmate—YOUR BEST FRIEND.

Step 5. Grovel.
Oh, you have pride issues? Not anymore you don’t. Wake up and smell the coffee (yes the coffee that you don’t drink)! This is more important than any sense of pride—or shame for that matter. Actually, it probably isn’t pride that you feel; just shame and embarrassment.

In any case, toss those feelings aside. THEY aren’t going to be there when you need them. No wait. They will be there. That’s the problem—they’ll NEVER go away, not unless you fix the problem.

Step 5A. Pray that it isn’t too late to fix the problem.
Because with these things, you just never know…

Step 6. Keep grovelling.
You know this can come in the form of text messages, emails, blog posts on Tumblr… Get creative. Creative grovelling shows that this is more than JUST grovelling—it’s grovelling for a PURPOSE.

Step 7. Nope, you’re not quite done grovelling.
You may never be done grovelling. Consider it your full time job now.

Step 8. Come to the conclusion that they deserve better.
Also come to the conclusion that perhaps all of that grovelling may have been going a little too far. Then remember why you were grovelling in the first place and realize that maybe it wasn’t going far ENOUGH.

Finally return to your original conclusion that they deserve better. Silently wonder whether they’ve come to the same conclusion that you have. Think to yourself that it’d actually be better for them to realize that, even if that means they cut you out of their life.

Step 9. Relish in the fact that even if they never forgive you, they’ve given you more than they’ll ever realize.
You remember your shitty history with friends don’t you? Do you remember how you never really trusted anyone outside of your family? You kept your distance for a reason, but when you finally understood that your friend was actually your best friend you no longer remembered what that reason was.

Interestingly enough, you were never quite rational ever again. Take comfort in the fact that even when someone leaves your life, their presence stays with you as long as you want it to.

Something is better than nothing.

Step 10. Wait for judgment day and no matter the results, accept them willingly.
This is the deciding factor. Here’s what to do in both situations:

IF YOUR BEST FRIEND DOESN’T FORGIVE YOU
Don’t beg.

Okay, beg. Beg a lot. Maybe they don’t like clingy, but guess what? You have already warned them that you’re clingy. BE CLINGY! Unless they break out the pepper spray—nope, no limits. The opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference. So if they’re bothering to break out the pepper spray in the first place, well that’s a good sign.

At least I would say so, but what do I know?

IF YOUR BEST FRIEND FORGIVES YOU
Assure yourself that it isn’t a dream by pinching yourself. Then if said best friend is physically present, ask them to pinch you. Hard. Followed by a not-so-joking punch on the arm.

After you recover from the pain, shower them with gifts. Seriously. You know that chocolate they like? Buy them those BY THE POUND. That book that they’ve been talking about? Stalk the author and receive a restraining order in exchange for their autograph. Well actually, the restraining will HAVE their autograph… So… yeah.

If you happen to be lucky enough to receive this option, write them a ten page letter about how much they mean to you. Then have it framed and sent to them. No, you’re not bribing them. This is perfectly legal; encouraged even!

That’s the ten step program, in all its glory.

Wait, you thought it would guarantee your best friend would forgive you for being an ass? When on Earth did I promise THAT? The fact that you would even think there was a way to force someone to forgive your stupidity merely enforces the idea that they deserve better.

Look at the end of day, you have to remember that even if they walk out of your life, they don’t take away the impact they’ve made on your life. That’s why step 9 is the most important one. What’s more is that this isn’t about you—this is about THEM.

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Author’s note: Hi.

Yes Vinny, this is all for you. I know you said that authors should never give away every little detail about why they write what they write, but this is one message that I want to get across thoroughly. In no way would I want it to be ambiguous—for once, I’m being “frank and straightforward.” If you weren’t rightfully upset with me, you might have been proud.

In any case, I love you. Always will.